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My lack of Ambition

Posted on 2007.08.08 at 03:45
Current Music: Random Hardcore music by Julio's Ipod
My personal notice is that i haven't visited this website in almost a year. Wow... and I'm suppose to want to pursue Journalism. Guess this is truly my "Lack of Ambition". But it doesn't mean i cant from time to time want to type whats on my mind....hey that rhymed. So the year of 2007 has definitely been quick through time. Ive made new friends, Lost loved ones, learned very little, but I've experienced a lot. One of the lessons in this life I've learned is that even things(or people) you've built up as a main component in life can fail you...when i mean fail you i mean it can do complete 180 on things you thought were real. But this doesn't mean just roll over and die heheh=P

When the bottom of everything you had falls out and we can't find anything to grasp, It hurts a lot. Like that saying by whomever "Love of the truth puts you on the spot". Now some of you might have some Romantic view of what that means, but when we are nailed with the truth, we suffer. We look in the bathroom mirror, and there we are with out pimples, our aging face, our lack of kindness, our aggression and timidity-all that crap.

This is where tenderness comes in. When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realiza that this is a very vunerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. There is a definitely something tender and throbbing about groundlessness.

Its a kind of testing, the kind of testing that spiritual warriors need in order to awaken their hearts. Sometimes its because of illness or death that we find ourselves in this place. We experience a sense of loss-loss of our loved ones, loss of our youth, loss of our life.

I knew a dude whos friend was dying of aids. We were talking about him. He told me his friend said "I didnt want this, and i hated this, and i was terrified of it. But it turns out that this illness has been my greatest gift." he said "now every moment is precious to me. All the people in my life are so precious to me. My whole life means so much to me." Something that really changed, and he felt ready for his death. Something that was horrifying and scary had turned into a gift.

Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things dont really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. Its just like that. the healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, room for relief, for misery, for joy.

When we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we dont know whats really going to happen. When we think something is going to give us misery, we dont know. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. We try to do what we think is going to help. But we dont know. We never know if we're going to fall flat or sit up tall. When theres a big disappointment, we dont know if thats the end of the story.

Its may just be the beginning of a great adventure=)

Thats something I have previously written on the situation that I have no doubt still bugs me. I mean I drive down bonanza, and i get this uneasy feeling. I get my hair cut on that street for christ' s sake! But notice how I never mention her name....Leaving me to believe I'm gradually getting over her...slowly but surely. eh.... shit happens and what can you do?

Another interesting event that has happened this year is that my real mother got a hold of me. Guess on which website did she find me? That's right folks.....Good ol' Myspace! How fucking convenient is that shit?! I guess I'm suppose to visit her this month....however i wish i wouldn't have to go alone. A friend could def help.

OH! My best friend got Married! I'm so happy for him....however I personally don't feel knowing one another for about 1 year classifies you to get married especially at his young age of 22. But it is his decision and I really hope it last. I hope the marriage doesn't fail but the feelings in my stomach tell me otherwise that somewhere along the road, they'll feel it too. God I hope I'm wrong.

Well....I'm tired of thinking and writing at the same time....hopefully I'll gain the want to do it again tomorrow.

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